While, despite The Current Economic Climate ™, the state of home sewing doesn’t seem blindingly bright, I try to keep an eye out on the new designs released by the big four pattern-making companies.  Most are eminently forgettable and some cringeworthy, although if you can look past the (occasionally distractingly ugly) pattern illustrations you can find some interesting and fashion-forward stuff.

You can easily make yourself one of those ubiquitous DKNY cozy cardigans:

Or a nice Tracy Reese dress:

Or a Comfy Blanket:

Wait, what?

I read about McCall’s own Snuggie variant in my RSS feeds this morning, and spent some time trying to parse the various reasons why I find it so offensive.

Firstly, I find most quick-sew, super-easy patterns to be ridiculously dumbed-down.  It’s like those prefabricated kits sold for no-sew blankets: put one square of polar fleece on top of the other.  Knot fringes together.  Seriously, people: have some faith in your ability to follow basic directions and pick out your own lengths of polar fleece from the aisles lining the local Wal-Mart or Jo-Ann Fabrics.  You can do it! I suppose it’s a bit like the revolution in food marketing that’s occurred since WWII: inured as we are to all kinds of prefabricated and preprocessed and prepackaged foods, we nevertheless feel much better about ourselves if we bake a cake from a box of powder plus oil, eggs, and water, topping it with the contents of a jar of frosting, instead of just buying a pre-made cake from the store.  I find this definition of “homemade” to be pandering, if not insulting, in how it convinces us that doing things completely by ourselves is intimidating, difficult, and results in a sloppy product.  Neither making blankets or baking cakes from scratch is nearly as tough as it’s made out to be, and I’m not convinced that cake-from-a-box is inherently superior to cake-from-a-bakery.

Secondly, as anybody who’s ever seen an episode of What Not To Wear knows, “comfort” is the rationale given for some of the biggest offenses against fashion.  I cringe a bit whenever I walk behind a family of (American, inevitably) tourists walking down Ste-Catherine in ratty sweatpants or pajama bottoms.  Comfort has many forms and faces; your be-sleeved blanket and matching Crocs may be comfortable, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t try to expand your wardrobe to include clothing that incorporates a waistband.

That said, I do understand the appeal of the wearable blanket.  I really do.  As I have often mentioned, I have the patented Jejune family poor circulation, and in winter our apartment temperature usually hovers around 60 degrees.*  It’s one thing to talk about wearing stylish and respectable-looking clothing indoors, but when you need to layer up as much as I do to stay warm, it’s just not going to happen.  But my experiences with layering up indoors in cold climates also give me doubts about the Comfy Blanket’s design:

1. If, as the promotional materials for the Snuggie and Slanket suggest, the Comfy Blanket is designed for cozying up on the couch, the loose drape of the sleeves would be incredibly obnoxious.  Not only can I see myself knocking things over with them, but I can also see them catching and immediately tangling up the yarn from my knitting.  And sewing, while wearing a Comfy Blanket?  Utterly impossible.
2. I’ve also learned through trial and error that one key element to an increase in perceived body temperature is to keep the tops of my shoulders and back of my neck very warm, and the Cozy Blanket doesn’t keep them covered at all.
3. Furthermore, the whole thing’s open in the back, like a hospital gown.  While it’s nice to imagine that I’m able to pass a weekend cuddled up in my Cozy Blanket, the reality is that I’ll need to hop up every 30 minutes or so to get a drink, go to the bathroom, or (most likely) check something that I suddenly thought of online.  And there’s nothing more miserable than a draft of freezing air streaming right down your neck and back.
4. I have two Cozy and cuddle-loving cats.  They would get lost.

As I was composing this post, however, I did have a revelation: how amazing would it be to have a make-your-own Cozy Blanket party?  I mean, I never host things, but I’m enchanted by the idea of an apartment full of friends, shuffling around like polyester-clad cultists in sacks made of primary-colored or novelty-print fleece.  It would be amazing.  And if any of you out there host a similar party, you have to send me a link to the photos.

* Oh, the whining about winter and being cold to come.  Don’t worry!  There will be plenty to go around!

This entry was posted on Friday, September 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am and is filed under bits. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.