I’d love to find out what those crack-like little bits of confetti-looking flavor speckles that they sprinkle on top of Cool(er) Ranch Doritos* are, because they are positively addictive; you cannot eat just a couple of chips, or even a dozen.  Once you’ve opened the bag, you’re a goner.  I’m pretty sure that they’re a cousin of whatever they put on movie-theater popcorn, because it  must be something that could kill you in larger quantities.

I’d like to know, so I can buy that flavoring in bulk for my pantry, and sprinkle it around judiciously.  Not only would Cool(er) Ranch Magic render savory baked goods even more delicious, but it could revolutionize vegetable consumption in the Jejune household.  No just broccoli: Cool(er) Ranch broccoli!  Not just cauliflower: Cool(er) Ranch cauliflower!  Not just a green salad: a Cool(er) Ranch salad!  Whatever those addictive flavor crystals are, they could be used for good, as well as evil.

I realized a little while back that I haven’t seen the familiar blue bags of Cool(er) Ranch Doritos on the shelves in the grocery stores or dépanneurs in the Montreal area.  “They must be really popular here!” I thought, impressed with the Québécois’ excellent good taste.  Even on shelves fully-stocked with all other big bags of chips, there would be no Cool(er) Ranch to be found.  Then I did some Googling, and found out that — deep breath — Cool(er) Ranch Doritos are not sold in Quebec!

This is why, as Americans living in Montreal, we have such a sense of cultural otherness.  The perception is often that we moved to a curious northern annex of New England.  But the logistics required for our move were hard, the language gap is a thing, and the familiar elements that characterize the American retail landscape — you know, Target, the ubiquitous bottles of Bath and Body Works hand soap, Cheez-Its — are disorientingly absent.  And now, I have to cross provincial or international borders to pick up a bag of chips.  It’s a hard life.

In case you were wondering how to fill the void, Frito-Lay officially distributes the following flavors as of this posting, although I know for sure that there’s more than this actually available:

• Doritos® Fromage Nacho
• Doritos® Nacho Epicé
• Doritos® Guacamole
• Doritos® Ketchup
• Doritos® Nacho Italiano
• Doritos® BBQ Éclaté
• Doritos® Tex Mex Olé

Does it really get more Canadian than Ketchup-flavored Doritos?  At least my American self can be consoled with the thought that eating Fromage Nacho, instead of Nacho Cheese, is just that much more classy.

* NB – I posted about this on Facebook, and a source-affiliate informs me that, in the Netherlands, these chips are sold under the name of Cool American.  No kidding.

This entry was posted on Monday, January 18th, 2010 at 10:01 am and is filed under bits. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.